Sex Column: Be booty-call ready in 15 mins
A guide for impulsive, but never regretful late night activities
Kate Holowaty
Sex Columnist
It’s a late Thursday evening and you’ve successfully pounded back some need it now 7/11 snacks along with a bottle and a half of the cheapest pinot Grigio your liquor store carries. Your roommate is knocking back chocolate and candy like it’s her job because she’s on her period and you, well you’re just pretending.
The two of you make the terrible mistake of watching Magic Mike 2 for the fifth time whilst bingeing like the world’s about to end. Channing Tatum’s abs seem to be pulsating off the screen. Shit goddamn. You feel lonely then all of a sudden flustered. Yep you’re horny AF. Without time to think it through you text a guy you’ve been casually seeing “COME OVER” in all caps…subtle. He responds a few minutes later, “Sure, be there in 15.”
You turn over your phone in satisfaction but then you regain your composure and look around at your life. You’re wearing a pink onesie that still has chips caught on your chest, your hair is in a messy bun, you’re makeup from earlier that day is half melted off and your leg hair is so prickly you can feel it through the thick felt of your onesie. You, my dear are a hot mess. But have no fear this guide will get you booty call ready in 15 minutes, or just plain sex ready in 15 minutes.
First you need to have a body shower asap, put your hair in a tight bun and if you have a shower cap throw that sucker on there too. Bring two razors into the shower for efficiency purposes. Douse yourself in your favourite body wash and then using two razors alternatively shave your legs in half the time, make sure to hit up the other body parts that might need a touch up as well.
Dry off and moisturize your skin, those spray lotions are a good option here.
Throw on something cute and casual that makes it look like you did not change and or try to look nice, THIS IS KEY. Your fave leggings and a slightly casual top tend to do the trick here.
Okay now for the hair, douse your hair in dry shampoo and get your straightener and or curler going while you let that sink in.
Now you need to fix your face a bit. Give your face a good cleanse with a makeup wipe and then use a moisturizer that has glycerine as one of its top ingredients. Glycerine will make any makeup you put on top of it stick. Now since you are rushing like a crazy person throw on some foundation or tinted moisturizer and blend it in the best you can with your hands. Skip concealer here because let’s be real guys tend not to notice that kind of effort.
Okay so now that you probably look like a mo fo zombie you need to throw on some powder, bronzer and blush, do not worry about making this perfect just get it on there to give yourself a little glow, if you’re really strapped for time just stick to blush. TIP: Use a damp beauty blender to pick up your powder and work it into your skin, it will look more natural and you’ll avoid the whole cake face thing.
Alright we are rolling, now we have only three more things to whip on and you are ready for a late night “Netflix and chill.”
Fix your brows, run a long wearing tinted brow gel/mousse through them and voila, DONE.
Mascara, curl your lashes and put enough to make your eyelashes super black but don’t overdo it, remember you have to look like you didn’t try. Recommendation: L’Oreal Voluminous Butterfly Waterproof Mascara in Blackest Black
Scrub your lips with your toothbrush as you frantically brush your teeth because we are getting down to the wire here and throw whatever tinted lip balm you have on.
Now quickly pat in the dry shampoo so you don’t have the white powdered wig thing happening and spray your hair with heat protectant. Then run your straightener through any crazy bits or crimps that your messy bun might have caused.
Deodorant. Or perfume, whichever is within reach.
Okay you are officially ready for your booty call, now go quickly and make sure your room/bed isn’t in complete shambles and if it is just shove everything in the nearest bin or closet. Works like a charm at hiding your true messy self. Spray some vanilla spray, heck maybe light a candle and let the nighttime fun unfold!