Not your typical doll

Photo by Vanessa Redux. This was the closest thing to a RealDoll The Reflector could find: the Chasey Lain blowup doll. Sexy right?

by Vanessa Redux
Sex Columnist

When the Barbie doll was introduced in 1959, some parents were wary of her realistically woman-like appearance, believing it might scandalize their children. The sale of the toy was initially geared to adults, but the doll was eventually realized as a sensational opportunity to market to children.

Years later, when the feminist movement hit, a study done in Helsinki, Finland, determined that if Barbie were a real woman, she would be so grossly under weight she wouldn’t have the 17 to 22 per cent body fat required to menstruate; so much for playing house. I never much liked Barbies growing up, but every girl I knew would make them hump each other in a fit of ignorant, plastic passion.

Well, it would seem one company, nearly 50 years later, remembered those resin rendezvous, took the adage “bigger is better” and applied it to one of the strangest sexual conquests ever undertaken by man or woman.

The RealDoll is a life-size doll (for lack of a better term) that you can have various types of sex with, but this ain’t no blowup floozy. The RealDoll is made of medical grade silicone, a fully articulating skeleton with steel joints. It is not recommended that the doll be “twisted into a pretzel,” say the love doctors at realdoll.com. When it comes time to do the deed, don’t use silicone lube or your doll will melt where you’ve applied it. Sounds like a pretty great Friday night to me.

The doll is delivered in a crate; incidentally, this is how I imagine you might receive a mail-order bride, but apparently you should store them suspended by a bolt in their neck with their legs slightly parted. Sound like a horror movie much? It gets better.

Naturally you can customize your doll, and for $6,000 you’d hope you could. Now, choose which size you want: 5’1” at 70 pounds or 5’3” at 80 pounds. Then, go ahead and pick which of the nine faces you want. They are interchangeable, so when you’ve had your first tiff with your new BFF, just take her face off and replace it with Victoria’s or Michelle’s. Then pick the ethnicity. Ever wanted to know what a person of colour would look like with white skin? Here’s your chance to find out. And while you’re at it, give her blackish eyes, really thick eyeliner, “slate” eye shadow, and, um, red lipstick and a French manicure with Gucci stickers on the tips. Snookie would be proud and IQ equivalent.

No wait, it gets even better. These are generally just the standard modifications. For an additional cost you can have a doll that Shatner would be proud to beam up. Blue skin and elf ears are available; there are great accessories like “rhinestone cheetah” or a shirt called “the hanky.” If you break your doll’s teeth you can order a replacement that look like, well, dentures. There are also RealDoll men available and you have your pick of sizes: flaccid and upward. Huh.

You really have to wonder where the feminists are with this one, but suddenly Barbie seems pretty frickin classy right? Tacky Corvette and all.