Sex Column: See you later masturbator

What a semester it’s been, my pretties. Who knew the SAMRU president would turn out to be so interesting? You’ve got to admit it takes some serious balls to get into your PT Cruiser to take Schnicklgruber for a car ride and then just say, “Fuck it Schnicklgruber! Fuck it all.” Although, it does seem a little strange to pull a Thelma and Louise with your German shepherd as an accomplice. Ironically, that particular dog is the most expensive breed one can purchase. But don’t blame yourself Schnicklgruber, you couldn’t have known.

I believe we received 23-odd letters in response to the annual Reflector sex survey this year. I felt elated that so many people read the column and also disappointed that it took them that long to figure out they all had the same opinions.

I’ve been writing this column for two years, and for those who have followed, you’ll know that I’ve used such terms and turns of phrase as: “stench trench,” “orifices are outlets and prongs are fingers, tongues, genitals,” “as wanton as peeing in a bubble bath,” “in case your jizz turns to wiz,” “so when you clean your bum-hole swing on by your dickhead and give it a scrub,” and, of course, “‘Fill my fucking fanny!’ Sylvie shouted, looking in Marian’s eyes and then down at her toy-filled fuckholes.”

Now, don’t thank me for the last gem. That comes to us from author Nicholas Baker’s The Fermata. Read it on a plane this summer — it’s a guaranteed in-flight friend-finder.

It’s been an absolute pleasure writing about the things that make us giggle and gag, and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. Am I willing to write outrageous shit to get your attention? Well, sure. Has it ever been disingenuous? Nope. All those times I called you sluts and bitches and cocks and douches I meant it with all my heart. All these terms are used to describe the “less savoury” aspects of ourselves. I’m sure it wouldn’t have made a huge difference if I had said promiscuous, vicious, jerk or self-important. It would have been a lot more boring though. Yeah, we judge each other. Does that hurt your feelings? Well, get used to it.

When I came up with the concept for this column I knew that the audience wasn’t going to absorb the high-school-health -class bullshit that we’ve all been spoon-fed for a generation. The questions that arise among people having regular sexual experiences, many for the first time, aren’t easily explained away with anatomy and hormones and wagging fingers. People are using dildos, eating pussy, sticking things in each other’s asses and thanks to visionaries like Dan Savage we have fun, new terms with which to offend and delight everyone involved.

We’re conditioned to be offended by our downstairs bits and bites, and, in some historical context, it may actually make sense to scare people with Grimm-brother style tales about the consequences of being sexual. In reality, being sexual is the absolutely most natural thing that we can do and using some discretion is naturally a good idea, but don’t censor yourselves in the bedroom or anywhere else. Smashing pissers with someone on a bed of roses or a bed of nails, do what you want and don’t rationalize. You like to fuck and that shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. If you don’t, well,good luck with that.

I wanted to create some discourse (and dick jokes) with this column during my time at MRU and I believe I’ve done that. I will be continuing on with my salacious soothsaying on my blog, vanessasaurusrex.wordpress.com. My apologies for those who visited and got nada, it’s been a process — don’t judge me!

Take it sleazy, you cock lickers and cunt suckers. It’s been real.