No strings attached

Don’t hate the game, hate the player — oh wait, it’s the reverse: don’t hate the player, hate the game. Whatever. Either way, hating the game or the player is beside the point. The game will always be there whether you like it or not.

The game in question is the relationship game. No one ever wants to play games, but they are always there. The rules are never clear, cheating is common and we all lose when the players don’t talk.

Friends with benefits, also known as: fuck buddies, lovers, orgasm solution providers, pelvic affiliates, special physical activity trainers, personal exercise adventure therapists and stress relief operations managers.

Or booty buddies, sauna scrubbers, locker room lovers, midnight magic makers, labia lifters, glory-hole lunch lovers, hotel room hotties, sack mates, bedfellows and familiar fornicators.

Whatever you want to call it it’s basically a sexual relationship with very little commitment to the other person. This arrangement normally sounds ideal — sex with no strings attached? Fuck yeah!

Only, there will always be strings attached; there will always be lines to cross and games to play. It’s a delicate balancing act, where if you do fall, you hope the landing isn’t too bad because emotions aren’t supposed to be that involved.

Speaking from experience, no two relationships are the same. I have one “friend” whom I’ve known for about six years. He’s quite experienced with fuck buddies and has his own set of rules that work for him. Fuck buddies are dropped when he has a girlfriend but they can always be picked back up when that relationship ends. It’s never a date, it is exactly what it is. There is conversation but never anything serious — our problems are our own.

While our hookups have been spread out over the years, it has worked because the rules are clear and you know what to expect. It’s when things aren’t that clear that issues can arise.

Besides imparting commonsensical advice, I feel uncomfortable telling anyone what to do. But, there are some things that when engaging in a casual sexual relationship, you should be cautious about.

Say what you mean. The communication part of a relationship should be rooted in respect. If you don’t have respect for the person and you can’t be honest you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them.

I’m still learning this one. Demanding or expecting respect is new to me. I’m also realizing that I’m not as honest as I’d like to be. This isn’t really fair to me or to the other person(s) involved. Everyone deserves respect. Saying what you mean or being honest isn’t easy. I apologize if I’ve made it seem so in the past. Everyone wants to be spared the heartbreak — it’s better in the long run to be open and honest up front than dragging out something that’s not working.

Saying what you mean works on a variety of levels. You want to be clear on the limits of the relationship. Is it just sex, or is it okay to hang out and the sex can come later? Not all of this has to be spelled out — you don’t need a contract. This can be figured out the first couple of times you hook up.

You’re headed out for a night on the town and you’re curious to know if sex is in the near future.

When you text one of your pelvic affiliates, it’s best to be clear what you’re after. Don’t waste time asking the person what they are up to, or how their night is going. Get straight to the point. If you’re on the receiving end of this straight-up request, please answer equally as straightforward — and honestly, of course.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. If the relationship isn’t working the way you want it to, cut your losses. And, above all, be safe.

(Special thanks to my friends on Facebook who helped with synonyms to ‘friends with benefits’ — their word skills and humour are greatly appreciated.)