Sex Column: Bruised egos and broken weiners
Sex survey says: “Y’all got some explaining to do!”
Hello again, my lil’ fuck bunnies. The results of The Reflector’s annual sex survey have been collected and survey says that you guys are all pervs. That’s right, all of you! Thanks for letting me peek into your bedrooms and get an idea of what you like in between the sheets. Now I’m here to share your secrets with the rest of the student body.
Many of you got off to an early start when it comes to getting freaky. Results show that 21 per cent of students lost their V-Card at the ripe age of 16. Meanwhile, 19 per cent of respondents fucked between the ages of 12 and 15.
Doggie style and cowgirl position came out on top as the favourite. It’s safe to assume that this is probably because a lot of you have been screwing in public, whether that may be in vehicles, churches, art exhibits, graveyards, playgrounds, or even in a quiet—hopefully empty—room in the school. I see some of you have listened to my advice regarding having a quick getaway plan. High five!
Someone even said that they fucked in a car while stuck in rush hour traffic! Whoever said that, please report to me at my booth at The Hub and tell me how you got away with it. All hail that couple. I bow to you.
Alas, only two people that responded are really getting off by fucking in public as they are admitted exhibitionists. But the rest of you mentioned some pretty twisted fetishes. Nine per cent of people are really into “body parts” and I can only pray that these pieces are still attached to something.
Fifty Shades of Grey must have gotten some of you pretty randy and willing to try bondage as 25 per cent of people said they were really into bondage. Meanwhile the majority, or 27.5 per cent said they didn’t really have a fetish…maybe not yet, but soon enough my pretties. Open your mind, and your legs to new opportunities!
Other fetishes that popped up were titty fucking, sloppy blow jobs, cream pies and ice cubes, but one student in particular has a fiery fetish: this person wants to have sex with a dragon. All the power to you, after all, everything is possible when you put your mind to it, isn’t it?
But not everyone has lost their virginity yet! 10 out of our whopping 127 respondents shared that there magical time has yet to come. Luckily, the majority of people admitted that they masturbate every few days so at least I can sleep easy knowing the virgins are getting their rocks off somehow. Fap away, my friends, fap away.
To the 7 per cent of people who said they have never touched themselves: please go home tonight, light a candle, put on some Barry White and let your hands take you to pleasure town.
According to this accurate and extremely scientific survey, the student body of MRU must make up the majority of cartoon porn connoisseurs. Characters from books, films, comics, and of course, anime all made an appearance on this list with Iron Man and Sailor Moon reigning as sexy, desirable fictional characters.
Kim Possible, Anna and Elsa from Frozen, Futurama’s Leela, Princess Peach, Harry Potter and his friends also made the list of bangable characters. But where are the ponies! No one wants to ride Rainbow Dash?
Despite all of your sexcapades, apparently you’re not playing as safely as you could, as there have been a lot of sex-related injuries including four broken penises!
The most common bedroom injuries are pulled muscles, banging heads on headboards, and rug burn but some are a little more unusual such as reactions to warming lubricants, torn buttholes and foreskin, dislocated knees, bruised vaginas, and a broken finger. That girl must have had a pretty tight lil’ hoo-hoo.
In conclusion, this super scientific study illustrates that the students of Mount Royal are devious and injury prone sexual beasts who fantasize about fucking Kim Possible while she is tied up with silk rope and blindfolded in a public area.
Stay classy babes and thanks for sharing your secrets. But remember to play safe. I don’t want to see any more broken penises!