Sex Column: Cum on my what?

When sex literally blows up in your face

Lynn Don

Sex Columnist

I was going to write a column on getting laid on Halloween, but I figured it’s probably one of the easiest holidays to get your dick/vagina wet. You’re on your own, kids!

Instead I’m going to talk about a controversial sex act: the facial. If you are unfamiliar with what a facial is, congratulations! You have never seen a porn video!

The key to this act is permission, and possibly safety goggles. Apology cakes are hilarious, but might not be the best way to go about things if you ever want to get laid again. Photo Illustration: Samara Hawkins

Allow me to explain: a facial is when one person ejaculates on another person’s face.

Facials are a controversial sex act because many people argue it is degrading to the person receiving it, and the person giving the facial is getting off on their humiliation. Others argue that this isn’t true because whoever is receiving the facial should be happy about it, not humiliated or grossed out, affirming to the giver that their spunk is not only NOT weird or disgusting, but wanted.

We could argue the “whys” of facials for ages, the same way we could with most sex acts, but let’s get to the point. The faster you finish this article, the faster you can be finishing on someone’s face (or not).

If giving or receiving a facial is something that you want to do, just talk to your partner about it. If you tell your partner you want them to blow a load in your face, they’ll probably be stoked. But maybe not. That’s why you ask.

Givers: It doesn’t have to be a huge conversation, but most people don’t want surprise jizz in their face, and will be pissed if you go for it without asking. If the person you are discussing this with doesn’t seem into it, try to explain why you want to do it.

Facials get a bad rap so their initial reaction might be against. If they still aren’t interested, tough luck! At least you have tons of porn to live that fantasy through.

If you’re reading this and thinking: “But Lindsay! What about a one night stand? They can be as mad as they like because I will never see them again!” then you are probably a huge asshole and shouldn’t be having sex.

Also, I know it’s hard to aim when you’re busting your load, but for the love of God try to avoid the eyes. Getting semen in your eyes is on par in painful unpleasantness with the accidental anal in the shower from columns past.

If whoever just jizzed in your eyes says something like, “Oh calm down, it can’t hurt that much,” wait till the next time you’re having sex (if you have sex again…), catch their semen when they’re cumming and throw it back in their eyes.

Receivers: don’t feel weird if this is something you’re into. Feel the opposite of weird. Feel fantastic. Everyone is different and getting ejaculated on can be incredibly erotic. Even if you’re into it because you find it degrading, go for it. You don’t need someone to tell you what is and isn’t appropriate in your sex life.

If you are down for it my best advice is to close your eyes, open your mouth, and maybe even have your tongue out. Get excited about it. Dirty talk is almost always a good thing.

When he’s getting close you could say something like, “Please cum on my face,” or “I want your cum on my face.” If you’re feeling really randy you could rub it down your neck and on your chest. Or just lick your lips.

If you’ve been asked to do this and you don’t want to, just say so. It’s up to you to decide what you do or don’t do with your body.

And finally, if you are a woman who is able to ejaculate, can you please practice your aim and after asking (same rules apply), squirt in a dude’s face and tell me about it? I will bow down to your vagina mastery forever.