Sex Column: Long distance relationships: Just kill me already

Being in a long distance relationship is like being single in that you’re both lonely and uncomfortably horny all the time.

The difference is that single folks can go out and meet people and hook up and get blowjobs in the backs of cabs, and it’s all just another Saturday night.

Skype is wonderful for connecting with someone you know, Chatroulette is for those random, non-committal adventures. Know the difference. Photo: James Wilt

Those in long distance relationships get to go home alone every night and crasturbate (cry and masturbate).

The only saving grace during these frustrating periods of time is that there is someone — though far away — who is feeling the same way you are.

All either of you can do is wait it out and hope it’s all worth it in the end, so you don’t end up regretting all those strangers you could have banged while you were on exchange in Europe.

You still want to have intimate relations with your partner, but the closest you can get to actual physical contact is for you to mail your partner a vial of your secretions, and have them throw it in their own face. It just isn’t the same.

For those of who don’t want to deal with snail mail techniques that probably aren’t legal, you have a few options for getting intimate with your far-away fuck friend.

Sexting (texting dirty photos and text) can be a good way to remind your partner of how hot your boobs are when you don’t have time for a full Skype session. Everyone likes getting surprise dirty photos throughout their day.

Although, as you’re already pretty sexually frustrated, there’s a decent chance this will only to serve to kick that up a notch.

Phone sex is great if you live in the ‘90s and don’t own a computer. Seriously, it’s good in that it lets your imagination run wild — but visually it’s obviously very limiting.

And then there’s Skype. Skype may masquerade as a product for keeping friends and family in touch over long distances, but I would bet money that 90 per cent of their users are jerking it to the corresponding user, who is also jerking it.

It’s certainly an awkward platform. Masturbating is usually a solo act, where you aren’t concerned with how you look. Now not only is there someone watching you, but they’re watching you and masturbating to you and what you are doing.

It can be a little unnerving. If you want to do a couple shots of tequila to loosen up before the first few times, that is reasonable. Just remember that getting too loaded can make getting it up and keeping it up (for guys) and finishing (for everyone) very difficult.

Males: try to make it interesting. Women are more likely to put on a bit of show. They’ve got their hand going, the vibrator’s in there, they’re groaning and touching their boobs and rolling around a bit; and then you pan to the man who’s all hunched over in the dark with his eyes glazed over and his mouth half open.

It’s not terribly seductive.

And before you say that a guy jacking off just isn’t that visually appealing: women don’t actually look like that when they masturbate by themselves.

I’m sorry to ruin your porn fantasy but especially if a vibrator is in the picture it can be incredibly lazy. I’ll rub one out while refreshing my Tumblr (I follow a lot of porn Tumblrs) and, trust me, it’s not that exciting.

A good way to make Skype sex a little more exciting is to incorporate some dirty talk. To start, tell your partner what you want them to do, where to touch themselves, tell them how hot they look, how hot what they’re doing is.

When they reciprocate, do what they say. You’re trying to help one another get off, which means performing a bit.

Once it starts to really get going and you want to focus on the finish line, then let one another do whatever you guys need to do to get there. The dirty talk can keep going though.

Narrate what you’re doing to yourself and how good it feels. Tell them how turned on they’re making you feel. Moan a bit, bite your lip.

And tell them when you’re about to cum so they don’t close their eyes for a minute and end up missing the finale. You can try to sync up your orgasms so you feel more like you’re together. How adorable.

Remember: long distance can be a rough time. If you have to fap three times a day to keep your sanity, do it. If the porn you’re watching starts to get weird because regular porn just isn’t cutting it, then embrace that kinky shit.

If a slight breeze gives you an erection, just adjust yourself and carry on with your day.

When you are finally reunited with your partner, the first couple times having actual real-life sex will be so good it would not be entirely inappropriate if you cried, just a little.