Fuck freely, sweethearts!
With great power comes great responsibility — follow these tips and tricks for the perfect public rendezvous
Saint Valentine is lurking around the corner, but maybe this year you can offer your S.O. something other than flowers, chocolates and the cliché teddy bears. Maybe this year you can get your special someone’s heart pumping during a sexy public rendezvous.
Nothing says “I love you” more than those tummy-churning couples who can’t keep their hands off of each other. So bring the spice back to your sex life by skipping the sack and screwing in the streets. The trick: don’t get caught.
With these tips, you are bound to stay out of trouble with the POPO while gettin’ into a little trouble with your love.
Dark corners, bathroom stalls, abandoned classrooms, heavily forested areas and vehicles are ideal locations for a quickie, but be sure to do a look-around. If you can see someone, chances are they can see you too.
Dress for success
Skip the skinny jeans and slip into a slick skirt that allows your boo some easy access to your vag-region. Guys, button zippers suck for public acts, so keep that in mind. Don’t forget about the importance of comfy footwear, just in case you two need to make an emergency get-away.
Turn down (for what?)
You don’t want to give your location away due to your loud moans and groans, or you may encounter some coitus-interruptus. Keep your volume to a minimum. Silence can be sexy too. Cover your partner’s mouth if they become too boisterous, or bring along a ball gag or bandana.
Doggy would be my recommendation as it offers a quick get-away in case trouble arises. But you could ride a reverse cowgirl if you are in a place where sitting is optional. If you choose to bang in the Batmobile, opt for shotgun, as there is more room to lean the chair all the way back and have your girl ride on top — trunks can be roomy as well (if you have an SUV).
Have condoms, lube (if required), and something to clean up with. Baby wipes are amazing and everyone should have a pack in their glove box. Not only are they good for a refreshing road trip shower, they’re also good to clean dashboards, seats and windows — wherever you may have spritzed your juices. Socks are always a solid option, although you should probably hit up your local Wal-Mart and stock up, you’re soon to have a lot of singles.
Have an excuse
There is nothing more embarrassing than having a police officer, or a park worker, tapping on your steamed up car window and having to explain to them that you and your boo are searching for your “lost wallet.” Be creative and plan ahead. Always be prepared to bullshit your way out of a funky situation. You don’t want to be charged with public indecency and a whopping fine — or jail time if a kiddie sees your junk.
Play safe, little ones. Surprise your lovers this Valentine’s Day. But don’t get caught. Remember: if you hear sirens, book it. You will thank me for the comfy shoes suggestion.