Sex Column: Get in the mood with food

I’ve read a few articles on getting freaky with food and for the most part I find they go about it in a pretty over-the-top and ridiculous way. Yes, food can be sexy and used in sexual play. Traditionally, some foods do seem to be sexier than others.

Using chocolate syrup to drizzle over a naked body probably sounds like a hotter idea than ranch dressing, but hey, if you want to have kinky ranch sex don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (unless of course your partner is put off by it, then maybe scrap the whole thing).

There may be Fifty Shades of great produce available for you, but not all of them are recomended for insertion.

I feel like food play is always portrayed as effortlessly erotic where someone gets honey drizzled all over them and then they eat strawberries off each other’s nipples or something. It’s all very hot and sensual.

In reality you have to put a bit of planning and forethought into your freaky food fun.

What foods are you going to want to use? There may be some legitimate grocery shopping involved. Sure most people have chocolate sauce or pudding or something kicking around, but if you take that chance and then you don’t have the food you need the whole thing falls apart.

What if you go into your fridge to get a cucumber and all that’s in there are baby carrots? Then what? Things to think about, people.

There are certain foods you do have to be careful with. Things with spice and kick to them, like hot sauce, mint or cinnamon can irritate the skin. That especially includes your genitals. I’m only going to say this once: DON’T PUT HOT SAUCE ON YOUR GENITALS.

As well, oily and sugary foods break down latex condoms and can cause infection if used in or right outside the genitals, so they are best used in foreplay/oral fun. You don’t want to have to someday tell your unplanned child they exist because mom and dad got too enthusiastic with whipped cream.

When looking at things for insertion go with food that doesn’t have small pieces that will break off and get stuck in your orifices, like broccoli. Also make sure it has a smooth texture and won’t cut the skin. As mentioned earlier, I might suggest a cucumber.

These items should be sturdy and able to hold up to some rough play. Bananas are indeed very phallic looking, but if you try to stuff a peeled banana into someone’s ass it just won’t work out. And, despite what the subhead says, I would not recommend apples or oranges, though if you think your ass is up for it… I’m not here to judge.

Then there’s the mess. One article I read said that yes, sometimes it gets messy, but the fun is worth it! Is it? Do you want to sleep in sheets covered in sticky honey? You do? Well fine, have a good sleep you freak.

For those that don’t, this is something you have to think about. Perhaps before getting down, take off the bedding and replace it with some old sheets you don’t care for. Most stuff will wash out, so you don’t necessarily have to be ready to throw these out after, but this way you can at least toss them into the wash pile, throw your regular sheets back on, and, after a quick shower, go to bed.

All of this is of course thrown out the window when you’re drunk. In that case just grab whatever’s in the fridge, slop it all over yourselves, and worry about the mess when you wake up in it, hung over as fuck.