Sex Column: Minding multiple Ps and Qs

Well guys and dolls, it seems time to start rushing from one destination to the next, piling on knitwear and finding indoor activities to do for the next bazillion days until it stops snowing, sleeting, chinooking and then blizzarding.

Hmmm, what to do?

The reason most Canadian babies are born in August seems clear to me. As the temperature falls most people’s first thought isn’t, “Golly Tommy, let’s go ice fishing!”

When the weather drops seemingly so do drawers of those looking to generate a little body heat. And given frosty Canadian winters, it sometimes

Snakes have giant orgies too. They're called breeding balls. Gross!

takes a couple extra bodies to get toasty.

Yes folks, orgies are the new dinner parties this holiday season.

Nuts roasting by an open fire sounds like a romantic night in, but how about two sets of nuts, how about three? How about four fun bags and two nuts? Oh goodness me, the combinations are seemingly endless.

While most people will never experience the meaning of the triple entendre, the threesome isn’t just every hetero guy’s fantasy. It’s not a sasquatch or a female president — it does indeed happen.

The threesome should not be confused with the ménage à trois, which is three people living together and presumably having threesomes everywhere including the kitchen sink. Generally this is a guy-gal-gal combo, and I happen to know someone who was involved in just such a scenario. It turned sour faster than half & half and vodka, and my friend, who was the dude part of the combo, was forever known as, well, an idiot. The ladies went cold war on his ass and DEFCON 1 ended with the gals drinking margaritas around a bonfire fueled by his dignity and other possessions. So maybe women aren’t the best at sharing… some women anyway.

Imagine all those combinations I mentioned and then do this math. Here are the various types of threesomes —I’m sure there are others but they are probably with furries or ventriloquists or something.

Voyeurism: Ever had an experience with someone peeping in your window late at night? Now imagine they were in your room watching you do the lewd in the nude, and that perhaps the peeping really turns your crank, the person’s crank that you’re turning or everyone’s turning various cranks simultaneously.

Soft swinging: This scenario is similar to the last except that you are the peeper and your partner is the sex romper with, let’s say, Rod from hardware at Home Depot.

Double team: Imagine a two-socket outlet and two three-prong plugs. Now image the outlet is orifices and the prongs are tongues, fingers, genitals et cetera, The prongs never touch because, presumably, they think this will make them gay or electrocute them. Stupid prongs.

One active member: This involves two sockets that never touch and one prong that touches everything. Greedy, greedy prong.

Full threesome: All systems go. Turn all cranks and fill all outlets with all prongs. Not necessarily at the same time because things can get all tangled up. Proceed with caution.

The mechanics of this half-assed orgy aside, the real issues tend to pop up not necessarily during but after the flesh feast. It is always important to have a discussion beforehand with your associates of excess. If you want to stick it or get it somewhere that your comrade may not have thought to put it or take it you’ve suddenly got one of the most awkward apologies you’ve ever had to give on your hands or wherever else. Setting out ground rules is a must. Don’t write a novel; just make sure everyone is on the same page.

Some other advice I’ve heard is if you are in the guy-gal-gal scenario be sure to give both women an equal amount of attention. Otherwise you may have a tearful catfight breakout and you’ll be left in the doghouse, no doubt.

Some say, “No couples!” and this seems understandable in light of the last point. If you are a couple who want to experience an encounter of the third kind perhaps find someone at a bar or on Kijiji. This will make things less awkward when the friend you had in mind gets drunk at your wedding and has to tell a story about the happy couple.

Lastly, don’t forget how exhausting sex with one person can be. Are you up for this triathlon of sexcapades? Maybe do some training first… like getting it on while blasting “Eye Of The Tiger.”

So, if it suits you and your prongs and outlets, have fun and try not to get kicked in the face. And as always guys and gals, be safe, and don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with… ventriloquists are creepy.