Looking back at the raunchy, racy and downright dirty

Well, well, well, here we all are once again looking another year squarely in its bulbous, expectant, unblinking eye. I am excited to bring you one final semester of provocative, perverse, and perhaps persuasive prose all about the act of acts, all things in the biblical sense, the beast with two backs and all the prickly topics surrounding it.

This review’s for those of you who are new to our brave new U and those who just haven’t read my sometimes offensive and almost always obtrusive observations.Here’s a bit a smorgasbord of past articles to get you primed for the sexual saga that is The Reflector’s sex column:

Regarding “pocket pussies,” Sept. 23, 2010:

“Some models look essentially like a small flesh-coloured hill with a pink oyster on it, because apparently in terms of fantasy, men like the look of lipstick on lips of all sorts. Some have a bit of leg attached and some look nothing like the real thing at all, but more like a translucent hunk of plastic with a handy grip, ribbed for his pleasure. If you’ve ever wanted to play porn star you can literally stick it to Jenna Jameson’s holiest of holes because it’s been immortalized in a real mould.

Some have a bush and an anus for those who like to switch it up and keep it real, and as it turns out, real is all-important.”

Regarding an S&M resort, Oct. 12, 2010:

“Men make up the lowest classes and are either subjects or slaves. There are extensive dungeons, as well as riding stables and a library for those ladies who like to punctuate their torturous schedule with some culture. These women are not fucking around either, they will whip your ass until it bleeds and then kick you in the balls. That’s not to mention what I don’t want to mention.”

Regarding anal sex, Jan. 7, 2011:

“Regardless of whether old acquaintances be forgot or you decided to perform a new year Facebook friend-axing after arriving home from the New Year’s Eve party full of a little too much of the spirit of the season, the end of the calendar year is a great time to consider some new sexual conquests to add to your list of resolutions.
And why not consider the holiest of holes — the blinking brown eye — getting into the out door. I am referring, of course, to anal sex.”

Regarding female masturbation, Feb. 17, 2011:

“Many women say these particular finger aerobics are skeezy porn-star antics, but then go home and covetously straddle their showerhead, wrestle the washing machine or even use their electric toothbrush before beddy-bye — and not to fight the scourge of gingivitis.

So, get real ladies, because if you aren’t masturbating, you are doing a number of disservices to yourself and your body. They call it a temple, not a church, for a reason.”

So, stay tuned boys and girls because I haven’t exhausted the plethora of taboo topics that few openly discuss, most speak softly about, and all of us speculate about. I’m not sure if I can outdo myself, but you can be certain that I’m going to try.