A new instrument for your one-man band

by Vanessa Redux

Don’t tell me you’ve never wondered, even for a second, what a pocket pussy actually is. The human species has come up with a plethora of ingenious and sometimes rather bizarre modes of getting off but the artificial

When it comes to designing artificial vaginas, most toy companies seems to invest in realistic texture, rather than anatomical correctness.

vagina or masturbator has to be one of the more intriguing methods.

My first thought is: why not use your hand? Well, the pocket pussy is designed to cause more sensation than the good old one, two, how do you do. As you might imagine, there is an incredible variety of these decoys and, as it turns out, dudes really like to construct their own out of… well, whatever might be lying around, or whatever’s in the fridge, but more on that later.

The pocket pussy, so named presumably because it is smaller than an actual woman who is attached to her downstairs, is essentially a tube structure with an opening on both ends constructed out of pliable, “skin-like” material. Sounds simple right? Well, actually, one of the interesting things I learned in researching this rubber phenomenon is that apparently many toy designers have a rather odd take on what the almighty vulva looks like, and perhaps realism isn’t exactly the point.

Some models look essentially like a small flesh-coloured hill with a pink oyster on it, because apparently in terms of fantasy, men like the look of lipstick on lips of all sorts. Some have a bit of leg attached and some look nothing like the real thing at all, but more like a translucent hunk of plastic with a handy grip, ribbed for his pleasure. If you’ve ever wanted to play porn star you can literally stick it to Jenna Jameson’s holiest of holes because it’s been immortalized in a real mould. Some have a bush and an anus for those who like to switch it up and keep it real, and as it turns out, real is all-important.

The material that the toy is constructed out of should feel as close to the proverbial hairy taco as possible. Known as “Cyberskin,” among other nicknames, the material that the higher-end pocket pussies are made of is a plastic that is explicitly designed to mimic the vaginal walls and are sometimes, let’s say, “enhanced” with studs and other types of protrusions.

These models may include vibrators and can be heated as well. For all of you who are heading to the nearest adult toy store as soon as you’re finished reading this, pick up a water-based lubricant to avoid damaging the most reasonable girlfriend you’ve ever had.

In conducting my research I quickly realized that many, many guys are pretty frugal, or perhaps have way too much free time because it is very popular to invent a makeshift rubber vag out of various household items like toilet paper with the roll removed, various fruits with holes carved into them or a boiled cucumber with the contents scooped out.

Yep. So on that note I’ll leave you with this quote from Wikipedia: “In prison slang, a ‘fifi’ refers to an artificial vagina made by rolling a trash bag or a condom inside of a towel.” I knew a girl named Fifi once, poor thing, she really shouldn’t put up with that.