Something for people like me
Living outside of a sexualized world
By Forsythe Jones, Contributor
Everyone is having sex, way more sex than you and especially in the university casual hook up culture, everyone spends much of their free time pursuing sex. Our culture is saturated with this idea. I’m pretty sure there’s a law in Hollywood that requires a love interest, even in (ostensibly) accurate biography movies where no such person existed. I’ve seen the creation of totally fictional love interests to supplement the lives of the main characters with the pursuit of sex.
It’s meant to make the story more relatable, I suppose. I don’t remember when I realized I wasn’t relating to it, though. It’s worse in university, when it feels like everyone has a hookup app or two on their phone and is always talking about having sex. I don’t mind the idea of sex, but the idea of casual sex puts me off.
You can only hear so many stories about Tinder hookups involving people who don’t know each other’s full names going to watch a movie and having sex on the couch the first time they meet, while their parents are out grocery shopping, before you seriously question if there’s something wrong with you. Isn’t that normal? Shouldn’t I want that? Feeling like the odd one out sucks, believe me, I know.
The problem is everyone normalizes casual sex these days, which is fine, it is normal, but it’s not always relatable. Whenever someone regales me with a story about a new sexual partner, or a naughty story about their current partner, they always seem to end their story with an excited “you know what I mean?”
I don’t. In fact, there’s about a one in one hundred chance that the person you’re talking to doesn’t either. It’s easy to forget that. Even the host to Sex Toy Bingo this year said “it’s something we all want,” although to her credit, she corrected herself after the blanket statement and added “most of us.”
I don’t know if I “count” as asexual. It’s kind of a broad term, and covers a lot of different types of people. I do know that I realized I was different when I noticed that most of my “sexual” fantasies weren’t actually about sex. If you’ll forgive my tactless attempt at understanding one night stands: I never fantasized about using someone’s body as a one-time tool to relieve sexual urges. Instead, I’d fantasize about cuddling and talking with my crush after having sex, or going to an intimate dinner for hours to share quirky childhood stories. I guess for me sex is something you go along with, when you want to connect with someone you’re close to, on another emotional level. So, no strangers from a party at another university for me.
I think that makes me asexual but not aromantic. Or maybe there’s another term for it I haven’t heard of yet. The label doesn’t really matter to me. I know what I want, and I know it’s a bit outside how everyone else feels. And that’s okay. As I understand it, every individual’s sex drive is kind of like a dial, and even then, not everyone has their dial turned on. I guess I wrote this because I wish someone had told me not wanting sex was okay, and I’m hoping that this statement helps someone else. Sexuality can change over time, so I suppose what I really want to say is, however you identify, don’t worry about labels so much. Just know what you want and what you don’t want. Whatever that is, know that it’s alright, and that it’s also alright if it changes.
