What not to do on a first date

Kate Holowaty
Sex Columnist

Tips and tricks to make a positive initial impression

Let’s be real for a second, dating sucks! You have meet someone for the first time, you don’t know if you’re going to click or not and you spend a ridiculous amount of time getting ready because you have this irrational fear that you won’t look as good in person as you do on your tinder profile. It’s stressful AF. But have no fear, I have made all of the ultimate first date mistakes and luckily have been able to recognize most of them to let you know what works and, what 99 per cent of the time doesn’t. This is from my very female perspective, but this applies to the gentlemen as well.

What NOT To Do

• Do not tell him that he’s lucky that you’re his first tinder date because you’re an above 8 hot and below 5 crazy.
• When he’s texting and then apologizes for being on his phone. Do not reply with, “Yeah you’re being kind of rude” even if you do think it’s rude. You have no idea what that person could be dealing with so just have some courtesy.
• While he’s walking you to the C-Train, do not look up into the sky and say “what is life though?” Too soon, save the existentialism talk for a later date (if there is one).
• When he calls you Katie, not Kate. Do not say, “It’s just Kate” in a bitchy tone and when he tries to reply, do not cut him off by saying “WANNA FIGHT?”
• Do not go through his closet and when you see that he owns a lot of Hugo Boss shit, do not inform him that Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniform…
• Don’t be late, just don’t! Get your shit together and try and get there early rather than late. If you’re early just hide in the nearest Tim Hortons. Also when you show up late not because of any legit reason, but because of who you are as a person, APOLOGIZE profusely!

• Do not bring up the fact that you got your heart shattered by a fuqboy only five months ago. Only open up if your date asks you about prior relationships.
• You don’t need to be super sarcastic about everything! If you’re having a good time, say it, but don’t make it weird by speaking like everything you say is a joke.
• Do not tell him that you should both chug your drinks and then not follow through.
• DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH! TWO DRINKS MAXIMUM with intermittent waters. This is a first date, not a goddamn frat party! Let them like sober you before they get to see your hot mess self.
• Do not ask them what their shoe size is. It just sounds like you want to know how big their dick is, while it might be true, it’s not a great first date conversation starter.
• Do not ask them point blank if they want you to stay over or not. You decide what you want to do and then follow through.
• When you get back from the bathroom do not say, “Wow, that was an adventure!”
• When he asks you what you ate that day do not reply with, “Eating is cheating” with a completely straight face. Even though you might think it’s inherently obvious that you do not follow this life credo, he doesn’t get your weird sense of humour yet, so go easy!

TIPS

• Let them order and kind of take the lead on that, be easygoing.
• Be confident but not cocky. Obviously you want to highlight the best aspects of yourself, but feel free to mix in some humility. Do not make awkward self-depreciative comments about your weight, rather be light hearted about your accomplishments. Being able to make fun of yourself is a pretty rad quality!
• If you want to kiss them, just do it! Having a mint or gum on you is always pretty handy.
• Bring a condom! Don’t be one of those girls who’s like, “If he doesn’t have a condom then it’s his own fault and I’m not having sex with him.” What if you actually (gasp) want to have sex and then you’re stuck there with hormones raging and no condom. Just have one in your purse ready to go. If you really feel weird, just say someone was handing them out in line at a club you were at like two years ago.

When you’re out on your next Tinder date, take my unfortunate events and use them to your advantage. And if you’ve done some of the things on the list, I’m right there with you! Stay tuned for next weeks edition where I answer your most scandalous, sexy questions. Nothing is too insane for this girl!