Sex Column: Ain’t no shame in my game!

Well Mount Royal, it looks like my time as The Reflector sex columnist is coming to an end. Though I’m sad to say farewell, I’m sure my replacement will kick ass.

For my last column, let’s talk about sex and shame.

Recently, actress Evan Rachel Wood went on a Twitter rant condemning the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) after it censored a scene from her upcoming movie, Charlie Countrymen.

The scene in question was one of a man performing oral sex on a woman which, if not cut, would give the movie an NC-17 rating. Wood called the censoring “a symptom of a society that wants to shame women and put them down for enjoying sex.”

I agree with Wood in that women are still shamed for enjoying and celebrating sex.

Can we stop with the shaming already? It doesn’t matter how many people you’ve slept with, or not slept with. It’s your body and your choice. Do what you want. Don’t let people pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. Photo Courtesy: Photo courtesy: flickr.com / luccast85

But as I began to research for this column, I realized that this isn’t an issue of just shaming women for being open with their sexuality, nor is it purely a women’s issue. We have, on the whole, a problem with associating sex with shame and it’s not cool.

If a woman is into sex and talks about it she’s shamed, of course, for being a slut. But if a woman is the opposite — not sexually available — then she’s frigid, or a tease. Basically she’s meant to feel bad no matter what she does.

My favourite example of this double-edged sword is the female child star who grows up and starts to act and dress in a more sexual manner. People prod her for several years, often before she is even 18, to be more sexual and then when she plays up the part everyone flips out. It’s like we want to see these celebrities be sexual and provocative but also reserve the right to wag our fingers and clutch our pearls. We assume they’ve became sexier because they’re been corrupted by Hollywood and not because they’re adults who want to explore their sexuality.

We’re willing to accept that as a guy grows up he’s going to become interested in sex, even accept (or insist) and that’s all he’ll be interested in but we can’t extend the same favour to women.

Guys aren’t let off the hook when it comes to shaming though, don’t you worry. We all get to feel the shame. Hey dudes, have you ever turned down sex before? And how fast were you accused of being gay?

Can we stop using gay as if it is an insult? Being gay is not a bad thing and using it as a stab at someone who is not interested in you is pathetic.

Men are allowed to not be interested in sex, whether it’s all the time, or with a certain person, or just because they happen to be tired. Just because you’re a guy does not mean your dick has to always be at the ready.

People are also shamed for the kinds of sex that they are interested in. Just because someone gets off to something that you find abhorrent doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. Of course, there are limits to this. But if the sex involves consenting adults – even if you don’t like it or understand – they should not be made to feel bad for what they enjoy. If it’s too freaky for you, then don’t get freaky with that person.

So what do you do when you encounter a sexual situation you are uncomfortable with or not expecting without unnecessarily shaming the other person? It’s really quite easy.

Let’s say you’re hooking up with someone and they say they want to lick your feet. You think ,”that’s gross”. Instead of saying, “that is disgusting, you’re a pervert,” simply say, “sorry, I’m not comfortable doing that.” Then carry on getting sexy in other ways, or leave if you wish.

You’re hooking up with a guy and he says he doesn’t want to have sex tonight. Instead of saying, “what kind of guy doesn’t want to have sex? What’s wrong with you?” Say something like, “okay want to watch a movie then?” or “well I’m hoping to get a dicking tonight so I’m going go back to the party.”

And if someone is telling you how they heard so-and-so is into some really weird shit or has sucked 100 dicks or even the opposite, that they’re waiting for marriage, all you have to say is, “that’s not something I would personally be into but if it makes them happy all power to them.”

It’s that easy.

Everyone needs to accept that we’re all different, have different sexual needs and desires and we need to stop shaming each other for the choices we make.

Well that’s it for me. Happy fucking, MRU!