Sex Column: An overview of love’s underview

 

Vanessa Redux
Sex Columnist

 

You’re all a bunch of pussies, liars and cocky Casanovas, and I’ll tell you why.

 

The Reflector’s sex survey produced 115 pages of the most unbelievable as well as boring answers to this obviously super-scientific survey.

 

Thank you to those who both lied and told the truth — your salacious soothsayer can tell, you know. Here are the top results peppered with personal thoughts on respondents’ personal lives.

 

How many people have you gotten it on with?

0-2 = 33 %

3-5 = 20.9 %

6-9 = 19.1 %

10-15 = 9.6 %

16-20 = 3.5 %

20 and over = 13.9 %

 

How are the majority of you are still standing against the gym wall? Get out there and have sex! How are you going to develop a future demographic?

 

If you were going to have sex with a supernatural/fictional character it would be:

Werewolf = 14.3 %

Skunk Ape = 2.7 %

Vampire = 31.3 %

Wizard = 22.2 %

Magical orgy with all of the above = 29.5 %

 

I would like to personally commend all those who chose magical orgy, which finished as the second-place answer. This gives hope to all those who came in first on the previous question as well as the future of the barftastic supernatural romance genre.

 

If you could purchase something sexy for your partner what would it be?

Strap-on = 10 %

Sex swing = 53.6 %

Vibrator = 23.6 %

Condoms = 7.3 %

I don’t know what these items are = 5.5 %

 

Now you know what to get your parents for their anniversary. And, yes, I’m hopeful you’ve now had the most horrific visual of your life — a little Valentine from me to you.

 

What age did you lose your V-card?

The average age for the loss of innocence at MRU was. . . 16! OK, sure, I could have come up with something a little more creative, but it gauges how honest you were all being as a group. You passed this test. Moving on.

 

What is the worst gift you’ve received for Valentine’s Day?

#1 – A case of beer

#2 – Pink eye

#3 – Jumper cables

#4 – Dildo

#5 – Banana

 

Perhaps in some cultures poking someone in the eye with shit on your finger is considered affectionate, but a banana is truly just a poor man’s dildo. Get it right people.

 

If you could fool around with a professor who would it be and why?

#1 – Jeremy Berry and Derek Wilding tied for top spot

#2 – “Depends on which class I’m failing”

#3 – Bill Nye

#4 – Lori Grey

#5 – Vast majority of students are not attracted to the faculty

 

You are all a bunch of spoilsports! This was an opportunity to anonymously pick favourites among various faculty and most of you wouldn’t play my little game. FYI, there were many entries for Bill Nye, so… science rules, I guess. Geeks!

 

Where’s the best place to have sex in the school and why?

#1 – Any of the fire stairwells. No one ever uses them, and there’s lots of places to put legs, hands and other bits

#2 – In some sort of nursing classroom, there might lube and fun things in there… plus you could role-play doctor

#3 – The girl’s locker room . . . nice quiet corners

#4 – Good Earth. I’m sure they have whipped cream back there

#5 – The knuckle

 

Locker room? Let’s assume you were talking about nice, quiet corners in the room and not the girls. Someone needs to explain where this knuckle place is. Sounds gross.

 

What sex position are you most curious about and why?

#1 – Cleveland Steamer : Shit on someone’s chest and then rub your ass in a steamrolling fashion

#2 – Helicopter : Performed by a guy in another person turning in complete circles without popping out

#3 – Shopping cart : Whomever is taking it wears roller skates on both feet and hands and is then done from behind while being pushed like a cart

#4 – Upside-down reverse cowgirl : Our photo editor had the courtesy to point out that this is just doggy style

#5 – Missionary : Clearly you people haven’t been hanging with friends who read urban dictionary

 

Where is the strangest place you’ve gotten it on?

#1 – Uncle’s bed

#2 – A teepee in Nose Hill Park

#3 – Subway bathroom

#4 – Underpass on a highway on a car getting my ass bitten by mosquitoes

#5 – Outside in the daytime, on my boyfriend’s car coming home from Lethbridge, in a random field by houses

 

You people need to stop having sex with your uncles. Also, there’s a chance the last two people may have screwed each other. Way to go, sluts!

 

What is the strangest thing anyone has ever said to while having sex?

#1 – Yahtzee, and then high-fived me

#2 – Fuck my feet

#3 – Spit on my ass

#4 – “Sir, you can’t do that here”

#5 – Can I pee on you?

 

I will forever more scream “Yahtzee” at completely inappropriate moments – this is brilliant. Please note that #5 makes more sense than you might think in the next query.

 

Would you prefer to poo or pee on someone?

Pee = 92.8 %

Poo = 7.2 %

 

Doesn’t everyone want to secretly shit on other people? This was the chance to let your freak flags fly — point taken. This in no way reflects on my own prerogatives.

 

Are you willing to put up with morning breath for morning sex?

Yay = 78.9 %

Nay = 21.1 %

 

Doesn’t it all depend on what you’ve done the night before? You’re so brave and I’m proud of you in a very condescending way. (Pat on the head).

 

Was the first time you watched porn with someone else?

Yup = 46 %

Uh uh = 54 %

 

The first porno I ever watched was called Dick and Jane’s Day in the Park and I watched it with someone else. The hangy fake tits and afro sheen were incredibly traumatizing. Highly recommend it!

 

Has your sex life improved significantly since you got to post-secondary?

Um, duh! = 59.1 %

Er, not even a little = 40.9 %

 

Please, child. I don’t believe you.