Sex Column: A penis saved is a penis earned
No firm belief on which style reigns supreme
Vanessa Redux
Sex Columnist
After finishing the most divine of the dastardly deeds and languishing in sweat and afterglow, you happen to look down and spy something slightly familiar, but for the first time it’s sporting a slinky skin suit.
“Good lord!” one may inwardly exclaim, attempting not to give these thoughts away with an expression of confusion and curiosity: What is this little Jabba-the-Hut-looking creature that has replaced this dude’s penis?
I was very surprised to discover that friends of mine — both male, female, hetero- and homosexual — had never seen the blanket around the blinker, or foreskin, and were curious about the aesthetics at first, but suddenly many more questions arose.
I would first contend that if a person had engaged in a once-in-a-drunken-haze roll in a bedding-blaze-of-glory then the midget-in-the-wetsuit very well could have been present masquerading as its clipped cousin.
For example, stick a slinky in a leg warmer and pull. Not much slack to be found and now you’ve ruined two of our favourite ’80s items. You fool.
It could be that people don’t necessarily examine the flaccid junk when it’s all said and done, and frankly, I don’t really blame them. Sport-coat or not it’s not exactly worthy of a still-life, right?
Interestingly, circumcision doesn’t seem all that common. It’s surprising because the people I had spoken with seemed to believe that the masked avenger was the minority. The World Health Organization reported roughly 30 per cent of men (almost two billion) have been circumcised. I think maybe this sounds a little more poignant when phrased like: have a good chunk of their dick cut off — but that’s just me.
There are many ways of achieving the clean-cut look. Some of the scarier ones include burning off the foreskin with electricity or basically attaching a vice-grip of sorts and waiting for it to fall off. Some think it may cause long-lasting psychological damage because the formative years are supposedly so very important, but this is a debate that parents, neonatal caregivers and whole bunch of other people I don’t care about like to fight. No wonder babies are always shaking their fists.
So, lets break it down; a showdown between the dirty turtle and Mr. Clean if you will. Who will emerge victorious? In plain-speak, what do people think about dinks, and are they right?
Some say a circumcised penis is more hygienic and less prone to dick cheese. Although there is evidence to suggest those who are circumcised aren’t as likely to contract certain sexually transmitted funkies, this is countered by other studies that found no real correlation between foreskin and health, sans or otherwise.
By most accounts if there is a benefit to being circumcised that correlates with contracting STIs then it’s fairly minute. Plus, all penises should be cleaned frequently, so when you clean your bum-hole swing on by your dickhead and give it a scrub.
Circumcised is more aesthetically pleasing — naah.
I didn’t really find any solid research about what is preferred other than stats about the clipped Canadian average, which is 31.9 per cent, but it could be that Albertans are less familiar with this Johnson-in-a-jacket because among all the provinces we rank highest at 44.3 per cent clipped codgers.
After speaking with various people — granted many appeared more perverse than the average bear (it seems they either don’t really know or they prefer what they’re already rocking). Also, if the choice of to snip or not was posed to adults then I’m fairly certain we’d see a lot less flags flying half mast. Circumcised penises are less sensitive, so guys don’t cum as fast. Research both supports and opposes this theory.
My theory has been it’s not the flag you fly, but the soldier who raises it.
However, there are many nerves in the foreskin, so it may be valid that this could make the owner spoodge faster. Much of the erogenous zones of the penis are found in the flap in question, so sex will ultimately be more pleasurable for those who never faced the guillotine. And when the rubber hits the road, it’s allegedly the most fun for the backseat driver too.
So what did we learn, boys and girls? Well, next time someone tries to tell you about your penis tell them to shove it up their ass, and if you’re the one doing the telling be aware that all super heroes wear a mask and that’s really the only time they can use their super powers.
Haahaha well done!