The gift that keeps on giving
Dr. Jess’s most recent sexual guide “The New Sex Bible” doesn’t disappoint
Kate Holowaty, Sex Columnist
Ahh the holidays, a time when we give and we give and we give and oftentimes forget to treat ourselves in ways other than stuffing our face full of Nana’s macaroons. If you’re not sure what to get for yourself and you also happen to feel like you’re in a sexual rut with your current partner or lacking single adventuring prowess, look no further than picking up Dr. Jessica O’Reilly’s Phd. most recent book The New Sex Bible. I had the honour of meeting Dr. Jess in person at the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show for the previous column. She has an acute awareness of modern sexual society and has a keen and critical eye for identifying not only sexual issues but relationship issues as well. Her book highlights new scientific discoveries relating to our anatomy, as well as, new positions and techniques to ramp up your sexual repertoire. If you’re too intimidated to pick up this book yourself here are some of the highlights.
Chapter 1: The Science of Sex
A lot of us might like to think we know a lot about the science behind sex, but your sex ed from high school needs an update. This is a recap of sex ed in a much more modern way, no bananas and condoms here, but there are familiar pictures included. Some highlights from this chapter include:
According to neuroscientist Dr. Gert Holstege, there is only a five per cent difference between our brain’s observable reaction to sex and our brain’s observable reaction to heroin.
The clitoris has legs people. Both the clitoris and the penis are derived from the same tissue in utero. If you understand the complex anatomy of the clitoris you will understand while the elevator button press and release method doesn’t work. “Comparable to pressing on the head of the penis: It’s not the worst move ever, since someone is touching your dick, but those hands could certainly be put to better use,” says Dr. Jess in her book.
Less well known female erogenous zones: suprasternal notch (triangular dip at the base of a woman’s neck centered above the collarbone), philtrum (cupid’s bow area on the upper lip), crook of her elbow, backs of her knees, ankles, eyelids and bellybutton.
Less well known male erogenous zones: Inner thighs, ankles, treasure trail, raphe (the dividing line that runs all the way from the anus to the tip of the penis) and the perineum (may be the hottest point on his body, stretch of skin between the balls and the anus).
Chapter 2: Desire and Seduction
Some main takeaways from this chapter include:
Indulge in each other’s fantasies and maintain independence when it comes to your relationship, as this can create more sexual tension. Getting in the mood is no simple task and can consist of relaxing, doing something together that gets you both turned on, meditation/breathing and becoming in tune with your body. If trivial thoughts still creep into your mind during sex, don’t stress about it and just let it go. This chapter also explains the importance of erotic touch that doesn’t always lead to sex play, as well as, some unique massage techniques. One to try: Awakening touch; using only the backs of your fingernails run them across your partner’s back, arms and legs. This light touch can stimulate the nerve endings that are the most sensitive to light touch and are “primed for heightened pleasure” because they don’t register pain.
Another takeaway is to not stop kissing even when you’re in a long term relationship. Studies have shown that couples who were told to kiss more reported fewer fights, greater relationship satisfaction and less stress.
Chapter 3: Sizzling Oral Sex
In this chapter oral sex includes a concept most of us would admit we need to work on: Dirty talk. These sensual verbal mutterings are a tough thing to put into practice if it doesn’t come naturally, but it is very much worth incorporating into your sex play. Dr. Jess suggests starting small with phrases like “Yes!,” “More!,” and “Fuck!” I didn’t realize how many styles of dirty talk there are and Dr. Jess gives examples of phrases for each. Categories range from romantic and alluring to aggressive and naughty.
The book then gets into several oral sex moves for him and her. I chose to include these ones because they seemed pretty unique.
An oral sex “move” for her:
“This technique not only combines licking sucking and deep pressure, but it also provides full-contact stimulation of the entire vulva. By wrapping your mouth all the way around the outer edges of her pussy, you’ll titillate and awaken all the inner and outer components of her highly responsive clitoris”
Take position: “Kneel on a pillow on the floor next to the bed as she lies down with her knees bent and legs hanging off the edge.”
The Moves: “Tease all around her pussy with some gentle breath kisses without allowing your lips to contact her skin. Breathe heavily over her thighs and mounds, allowing your cheeks and nose to touch her only incidentally. With a wide, flat tongue lick from the very bottom of her vulva up to the top as slowly as possible. Repeat this lick in the same direction for thirty to sixty seconds. Switch directions and lick from her clitoral glans down to her fourchette (where her inner labia meet at the bottom) using the warm, flat, underside of your tongue. Repeat for another minute. When she starts to thrust her hips into you, open your mouth wide and press her hips into you, open your mouth wide and press your lips around the outer edges of her vulva.”
An oral sex “move” for him:
Two Thumbs Up
“This technique requires some coordination, but a few minutes of practice will be well worth the orgasmic rewards. Using both your hands and mouth, the Two Thumbs Up allows you to activate nerve endings in three of his most excitable hot spots: his balls, the lower third of his shaft, and the underside of his head.”
Take position: “Positioning is important, as you need to be able to tuck your head between his legs in order to suck his balls right into your mouth. Try this one on your knees as he relaxes in his favourite armchair or let him sit on the edge of the (sturdy) kitchen table.”
The Moves: Climb between his legs and sweep your tongue lightly around the edge of his balls. Trace a figure eight shape over the front and scoop your tongue underneath to lick the responsive rear surface. As you twirl your tongue around, slather your hands in lube and clasp the base of his cock with one hand as lightly as possible. Stroke up to the top holding his cock with one hand as loosely as possible to pique his interest. Alternate hands for several strokes ensuring that your touch is featherlight. After a minute or two, increase the pressure of your strokes and wrap two hands around his base, interlacing your fingers with your two thumbs straight up toward the tip. Add lube to ensure it’s super slippery. Stroke upward and sweep the pads of your thumbs in a circular or heart-shaped motion when you reach his frenulum, the soft skin on the underside of his head. Increase the pressure as you squeeze both hands around the lower third of his shaft and suck his balls right into your mouth. Coordinate twirling your tongue around his balls or sucking downward on them as you stroke upward and massage his frenulum and head to elongate his full unit. As you squeeze around his lower shaft, gently press his balls up toward his body with your lips.”
Now if after reading that you feel like you could never be able to pack all those technicalities into your sex life, fear not. Dr. Jess makes a note reminding us that there really aren’t any rules for oral sex and that all of these moves are just guidelines that you can take and change to suit your personal needs.
The book goes on to include chapters covering anal play, props and toys and intercourse positions, but this is where I’ll leave you, with some things to try and a book to read. What I like about Dr. Jess is she recognizes that everyone’s sexual path is different and it’s important to remain true to that and stay in tune with what you like and need sexually in order to bring that knowledge to any new or existing relationship.