Sex Column: Get sexed abroad
Your handy step-by-step guide to hostel sex
Hello my thirsty friends!
That’s right Mount Royal University, y’all are THIRSTY. Spend five minutes (or three hours like a proper procrastinator) scrolling through MRU Confessions and my point is made. It’s so bad I become thirsty just by reading!
But please don’t stop. It provides me with constant entertainment.
Overbearing cravings for sex aside, I’m here to guide you through the nasty, raunchy, scream-like-a-banshee and extremely complicated world of sex as the newest sex columnist for the Reflector! There have been some great columnists before me, and I really do hope I can rise to the challenge and fill in all the holes-using protection, of course.
Let’s get the basic info out of the way: I’m a third-year journalism student, I like men and have an extremely deep appreciation (and hard-on) for a good piece of ass.
I may battle for the fabulous team but everyone will get his or her fair share of sexual wisdom. Just think of the new dick sucking heights I’ll elevate you to!
If you also haven’t guessed already, I love sex just as much as the rest of Mount Royal. I’m just as much a Samantha Jones even if I do have a boyfriend. And if you don’t know who she is, you’re living your life wrong and should Google her immediately.
But let’s move onward and inward.
I recently stepped off a plane following some exciting adventures in Europe, where I was constantly surrounded by beautiful men. While I was not able to taste the local meat, you can definitely do so if you happen to be travelling abroad—and then tell me every detail, please.
Let’s set the scene: You’re in a beer house sipping a beer, when a scruffy man catches your eye from across the room. Eyes lock, sparks fly, and soon you’re gripping a full and muscular Irish ass as he fucks the luck right out of you.
But here’s the plot twist: you’re sharing a room at the local hostel with ten other people.
Hostel sex can be tricky to do. You simultaneously have to be quiet, deal with cramped spaces, squeaky beds and try to reach your big “O”. It must be done swiftly—so bad news for those who last a little longer.
But there are ways to work around it. First off, do not, under any circumstances, fuck on the bunk beds. In my experience, even just tossing and turning causes some squeaking and shifting. There’s no doubt that a bout of hard fucking would cause the same.
Ideally, the best places for a quick hostel fuck are the bathrooms and the showers. If it’s a one-person washroom, you’re in luck. Stick to the communal showers or for same-sex, whichever the pairing is. Plus you can throw the protection right in the garbage once you’re both finished.
If you’re a bit more of an exhibitionist, a late-night romp in the laundry room can also be a good spot. Why not put in a load while you take a load?
The roof, if accessible, can also be a popular space for foreign fuckers to plough away. Just be safe getting up there. But let’s face it: the more work it takes to get there, the more rewarding it will be when you finally stick it in.
The ultimate adventure with a foreign fuck doesn’t even have to be in the hostel. If you’re feeling up to it, leaving the hostel to find a park, an alley or a wooded area for some outdoor sex is a huge adrenaline rush, and even more with a foreign friend.
The obvious given in all of this is: use protection. While travelling and meeting new people can open your mind and your legs, nothing says “welcome home” like gonorrhea or two blue lines and an epidural nine months later.
So that’s it for my first sex column! I hope if any of you go abroad, you go down on the local culture or share some sweaty, awkward bliss with another backpacker.
Fuck on, MRU!