Jaunty Jezebel: Sexual etiquette in the home

Cartoon by Conor Geoghegan

Ever been woken up by a squeaking bed or moans coming from the next room? Or were you the one that received dirty glares from your partner’s roommate the next morning as you tried to gracefully make your exit?

Or maybe you were oblivious to the noises coming from the other side of your door because you were listening to your iPod and when you opened the door you were shocked by the flexibility of some people. Scarred for the next three months, you were never again going to sit on that couch. Ever.

The trials and tribulations of living with one or more roommates are numerous. It’s a true test of friendship living with another human being — learning their quirks and habits. And like all things to do with living with a roommate, it’s best to have a set of rules in mind when it comes to dealing with each other’s sex lives.

The Jaunty Jezebel column consultant of the week — Ms. Sarcasm-is-my-best-friend — has had many stories to tell of her roommate’s avid sex life with her steady partner. So many stories in fact, she was unable to pick just one anecdotal story to share, so she kindly came up with a set of rules for roommates to follow:

1) Please, if you’re walking to the bathroom either the roommate or the boyfriend, put some clothes on. I don’t need to come home in the middle of the afternoon to naked bodies walking around my house.

2) Shower sex is reasonable, but if I am home I would appreciate that you don’t do it.

3) Thin walls — panting first thing in the morning when I’m eating breakfast sort of makes me nauseous and my Rice Crispies don’t go down so easily. You can take these rules and share them with your roommates or come up with your own.

A suggestion I heard recently was testing the thinness of your walls upon moving into the house. Have your roommate go into their room and shut the door. Go into your own room and shut the door. Shout, scream and holler as loud as you can to see if your roommate can hear you. Jump up and down on your bed or on the floor and see if this disturbs them in anyway.

This seemingly foolish testing can potentially save you a lot of annoyance, and possibly a friendship in the end. If you’re unlucky enough to share a wall, do not put your bed up against the sharing wall. Safely secure posters and avoid hanging anything heavy like shelving or picture frames.

Consider investing in a pair of earplugs or decent headphones. If all else fails and you’re woken up by your roommate’s fake cries of pleasure, exact revenge. The next time you get lucky, scream louder, pound harder and make it into a competition of who’s having more fun (or who can fake having the most fun).

But probably your best bet is to handle it the way you handle sharing everything else. Courtesy. If your roommate is home, bite a pillow. Grab a housecoat on your way to the bathroom. Wait until they leave before using up all the hot water. Buy them gifts if you just can’t help being loud. And replace anything you break.