5 signs you’re a misanthrope

Haters gonna hate, so admit it and embrace it

Amanda Taylor
Contributor

Whipping out your phone and pretending you’re on an important call will almost always work in keeping that person you’re avoiding from approaching you in the halls — just as long as you make sure it doesn’t start ringing.
Photo courtesy: flickr/Chris Ford

Misanthrope: a person who does not like other people.

I’m a narcissistic misanthrope. It took me a while to admit it out loud, but I’ve done it and have embraced the lifestyle. Also, I leisurely read “The Misanthrope’s Guide to Life: (Go Away!)” by Meghan Rowland and Chris Turner-Neal. Using it as my Bible has inspired me to bring this message to the rest of the world. This way, I don’t have to talk to anyone face-to-face.

There are a few things that I have realized about myself that tell me I’m a misanthrope. Many of you can probably relate.

1. Liquid courage

University fosters stress and stress fosters a strong thirst for beer. So, off to The Hub we go. After pounding back a couple PBRs, everything starts to seem a little less miserable. Those annoying study buddies who coerced you into grabbing a “quick drink” after a five-hour project meeting seem a little less menacing. A little less annoying.

This is when the stress starts to dissipate. The sun seems a bit brighter. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. You can do this.

Note: That feeling goes away really quickly. So make like a banana and split or keep the beers flowing.

2. Cyborg mode

Picture this: you are walking down the hallway and that person who you have been avoiding is walking directly towards you with their lips parting. They’re going to speak, they’re going to speak, OH MY GOD, they’re going to speak. Immediately, cyborg mode on. You just remembered, Facebook is way more interesting than an actual face. “I have 503 unread emails?” Or there is the I’m-In-A-Really-Important-Call-Right-Now act with the occasional I-Really-Hope-My-Phone-Is-On-Silent accompanied by a black screen. Avoiding contact with any humans, especially on campus, is best achieved by pulling out the device that contains your life and investing even more bullshit into it.

3. My jokes aren’t jokes

You consider yourself a smartass. Dry humour, slapstick and the like. Wisecracks litter your everyday conversation like Tim Hortons cups in a Walmart parking lot. So, people laugh. And you know you’re funny, but you’d rather be spitting vinegar into their eyes and going back to your best friend, Netflix. Here’s the thing, those “jokes” about never attending work barbeques because you’re scared you’ll throw burgers at someone? They are real. Or that time you, admittedly, paired yourself with the hairiest, most Tumblr-esque girl in women studies so you’d get an automatic A? Also real. Some people laugh, some people even say, “I feel you.” If they ever tasted an ounce of your acidic hatred for humanity, they’d run in the opposite direction.

4. Let’s hang out sometime

There’s this game people like to play when they see each other in public after it’s been a while. By the way, two weeks isn’t a while, two weeks is paid vacation and that doesn’t even cut it. I refer to this game as the “Lets hang out some time game”, occasionally accompanied by “Soon.” You know you’re a misanthrope when, without hesitation, your only natural response is to barf. After swallowing, you politely say, “I think I’m going to be sick that day” or “one of my family members is probably going to need me to help them pick the fungus from between their toes” or “I am going to be smuggling Jack Daniel’s all night.” Omit the sorry. You’re not sorry. You’re adamant. You’re protecting yourself. You know this night of socializing would be complete hell and although society tells you that you need to go out and live a little, you’d rather not visit with a friend.

5. Call him “sport”

Whether male or female, we’ve all been asked if we want a free drink. First thought that comes to mind, hell yes. Second thought, does this mean we have to interact? There are a couple possibilities to deter a social situation in a bar setting. First thing first, you want the drink. Establish that with yourself. You avoid work at all costs because customer service makes your mouth pastier than a tenth-grade stoner, so take the free drink. Just do it. Next, be sly. Say, “Sure.” Loudly. Single-syllable goodness, that’s what that is. When the drink-buying deathtrap snags you an alcoholic beverage, respond with, “Thanks, sport!” “Sport” has an old-person ring to it. It’ll turn that beverage-buyer into a wallowing pool of regret. If that doesn’t work, avoid the whole thing and blame it on your irritable bowels.

If these resonate with you, you are not alone, although you would rather be.. If they don’t, well, good luck. I would say catch you on the flip side, but we all know that what I really mean is please don’t cross my path.