Sex Column: Take a load off, honey
What’s in your juicy by-product?
There is always the daunting question that has the power to ruin any intimate moment: should I spit, or swallow?
Well, perhaps after I tell you what you are putting your mouth you can be better prepped for any sticky situation.
First and foremost, there is no universal nutritional standard for all men, because their special sauce is just that — special. It is totally dependent on their weight, age, diet and exercise, meaning that every man will have their own unique flavour.
But in this teaspoon-sized serving you can expect between five and 25 calories, consisting of sperm (of course), water, chlorine, vitamin C, calcium, fructose, lactic and citric acid, sodium, phosphorous, zinc and vitamin B12 — wow, what a mouthful.
According to an article on PubMed.org published in the 80s, there are over 200 types of protein flowing through your man’s pipework before erupting like a volcano, but there is only a minimal amount of protein in each explosion, meaning that a shot in the mouth is not the fantastical ‘n’ magical protein shake everyone thought it was. Disappointing, indeed.
There are some ways to increase the sweetness of his sweet lovin’. Diet is the main culprit, so skip the meats and hit the salad bar and already you’ll be producing more of the sweet stuff, as it will be more watery and fructose-based. The juice will flow freely and run clearer than its meaty counterpart, which appears more goopy and white.
Condoms are a fun choice for changing up the taste and it leads to a quicker cleanup. Plus, as a bonus you can completely avoid the spit or swallow dilemma.
If the taste of minty balloons isn’t for you try Sex Tarts. It is a seriously delicious water-based lube. Sex Tarts sells for about $11 a tube and they have Cherry Cola flavour. Seriously. Oh, and Fuzzy Peach.
Getting a quick blast in the face can have the façade of being pretty disrespectful, but if you’re into it, there are a few anti-aging agents in his baby batter that can help tighten and moisturize.
In fact, back in 2012 a Norwegian company called Bioforskning created a skin cream using spermine. Shortly after they did that, New York City’s Townhouse Spa quickly added the sticky stuff to their list of specials. They were charging around $250 when they offered the facials, but now they run for about $125 at another NYC spa called Graceful Services Spa.
That being said, if you decide to do the home treatment remember there is testosterone flowing freely in that liquid love, which can cause acne, so be sure to clean thoroughly for a tight and bright facial.
Ultimately, sploosh is a bitch to get out of your hair — as we’ve all seen in the cult classic film There is Something About Mary — so the moral to that story is men: be nice, pay your respects, ask permission and for God’s sake, aim. You have just received quite the service so don’t pressure your lover to swallow if they don’t want to.
In the end, it’s their call.