There’s an extremely serious problem at Mount Royal University that needs be to addressed. An epidemic, really.
Though many are reluctant to speak out against this issue, we at The Reflector don’t shy away from condemning the degenerates who are ruining the very fabric of this institution.
That’s right — we’re talking about those people who stop walking in a busy hallway and chatter away with their friends, totally oblivious to the fact that dozens of people are harbouring fantasies of pushing them down a long flight of stairs.
What. Are. They. Thinking?
Short answer: They’re not thinking at all.
While us normal people are bustling along at a good clip, following the flow of foot traffic, these mouth-breathers are standing there with looks of bovine incomprehension on their faces as they fail to notice that they are blocking the ENTIRE DAMN HALLWAY.
Only marginally better are their cousins the really-really-slow-walkers. Maybe they’re just so impressed with the sound of their own voice they forget how to move their feet. Maybe they haven’t quite mastered the whole walk-and-text thing. Whatever it is, they’re going so slow they might as well not be walking at all.
These in-duh-viduals are the salt in our school’s arteries and it’s time for a low-sodium diet. Fortunately, we at The Reflector are thinkers and we have devised the perfect plan to end this torture once and for all.
Foot traffic lanes.
Think about it. We could have direction-specific lanes to eliminate that awkward thing where two people going in opposite directions feint from side to side in unison, blocking each other up with every attempted dodge.
We could have express lanes for really fast walkers who just need to get to class RIGHT NOW, thank you very much.
We could even have carpool lanes, just for two or more people on one pair of feet. (Start hamming up those piggyback muscles!)
And, off to the side, we could have standing zones where people who don’t know what hallways are for can congregate to braid each other’s hair and talk about puppies.
Genius, right? Just let us know where we can pick up our Excellence in Community Planning Award.