Sex Column: Removing downtown hair at home
What to do with muffro or dick-do
Hello once again my pretties. Winter has a way of making us all feel a little less sexy. Consistently bundled up in multiple layers, hair all mussed and static from tuques and scarves with your skin all dry and flaky. On the other hand the plus of all those layers is that you may not necessarily need to be dedicated to getting rid of all your unsightly body hair… if you’re single, like I am. Maybe one has something to do with the other – nah, couldn’t be.
Whether you’re a guy or gal body hair can be an unsightly bane of human existence that social norms dictate must be banished. The methods of getting rid of body hair are as varied as they are bizarre or even just down-right scary. I once dated a guy who had a full-on serious hair vest, which I volunteered to wax at his request. I got through one strip and couldn’t do anymore. He was pretty upset, which I guess is understandable in hindsight because he had one rectangle of bald on his back. I dumped him a couple days later. They’ve got professionals to do that! Have sex with outrageously hairy men, I mean.
In Europe and North America, the army bald bodies didn’t really deploy until about a hundred years ago. In fact the first women’s razor didn’t appear until 1915. Imagine the liberation! Well, maybe that’s why people also wore full bathing suits. Back then it really was a suit.
Allegedly my grandmother, who grew up during the height of the Great Depression, used to burn her leg hair off with matches. Granny be cray, but I give props for creativity where deserved. I’ve compiled a list of some of the newest and strangest methods of vanquishing the pesky medulla, cortex, cuticle combo in the relative comfort of home.
I know a lot of women and even some men who like to remove the downstairs down. A friend of mine opted to begin laser hair removal on her box and they burned the poor girl’s inner lip. No, she couldn’t just put on some Chapstick.
It leads me to believe that if trying out the home laser system may be playing with, well…lasers! The home laser device is designed to deactivate hair follicles, not remove hair permanently. Each use is said to make hair more fine and lighter, but if you wanna shoot off your bikini line you should apparently speak with a dermatologist. You know it’s the future now because we shoot lasers at ourselves. In our own homes no less! All for the low, low price of pretty damn expensive.
The product unfortunately named no!no! 8800 basically uses a guarded, heated wire to burn your hair off. From what I’ve read it’s similar to the laser in that it makes the hair more fine and light after awhile, which all depends on you how much of an ape you happen to be, presumably. This thing is good for people who are prone to razor burn and ingrown hair, but it often leaves stubble and it smells like, well, burning hair. Apparently it takes about a half hour to use this teeny taser on just your legs and it’s not recommended for your “genitals,” but you can do your bikini. Wow, no shit. I wouldn’t recommend sticking a heated wire near your brown star either.
Home waxing is messy, painful and probably also kind of embarrassing if you don’t live alone. A friend pointed out that you have to have a microwave to use it to melt almost all products and that if you don’t it’s likely you will get the wax all over the place on your way to the bathroom and then have a completely new problem – how to get wax out of the carpet? Answer: you don’t. It’s also easy to burn yourself with the stove-top type. So the consensus is home waxing is for the birds – the burned, sticky, annoyed birds.
Shaving may be annoying, but it also seems pretty idiot proof. We all know how to shave and a few nicks every once in awhile aren’t so bad… except in Brazil. But though this method may be pretty cheap the hair grows back thicker and darker, the razor refills can actually be super expensive, it’s very time consuming, there are more ingrown hairs and of course, razor burn. There’s nothing more attractive when you go downtown to see red, bumpy, stubble-ridden balls, lips and surrounding neighborhoods.
After speaking with various people I’ve come to the conclusion that if you can’t have a professional deal with your leg-fringe, muffro or dick-do then life will suck until you can. So, put aside a hair removal budget or perhaps you could take a stand and rock your bikini/Speedo feelers poking all out and blowing in the horror.