Hurly, burly, curlies

I’m sure we all recall when that first short-and-curly sprouted.

The milestone is generally accompanied by awe, then confusion and finally a combination of self-regard and consternation at the prospect of becoming all grown up that lasts most of our adult lives.

Pubes — as they are so affectionately referred to — are the taxman of the genital world: they aren’t very well appreciated, but they aren’t going away anytime soon, at least speaking in evolutionary terms.

You may not often think about the purpose behind your wiry whirlies, but according to research they retain a magical stink that turns heads and fill beds. Why it’s pheromones, of course. Pepe Le Pew’s got nothing on you my friends.

These mysterious scent signals supposedly communicate genetic messages to potential mates and all sorts of other voodoo, but whether they actually apply to our species and not just the birds and the bees, as it were, is still hotly debated in the scientific community.

Illustration: Anna Brooks

Consider this: it is alleged by those who would know that when an exotic dancer is ovulating she often makes twice the tips than when aunt flow is in the house… I suppose we might also consider the last time a ‘ripper had a full on bush was probably before most of us were born.

On that note, it is probably astute to discuss the notable lack of nature’s original steel wool on woman and men alike. Some like to chalk it up to the always fun and available scapegoat — pornography, or its evermore-bizarre counterparts.

Some feminists have decided it is an attempt by our patriarchal society to keep women in pre-pubescent and girlish submission. Some discuss a gradual disappearance of downstairs detailing as a reaction to the concurrent reduction in women’s garments in general, as more was revealed more had to be removed.

However, shearing the shrubbery is not nearly as new a practice as one might think.

Ancient Egyptians were on board with chopping the mop and actually removed all of their body hair — men and women both.

(Body hair is apparently not acceptable, but sticking a dude’s head on a cat’s body is totally OK.)

In the 1600s prostitutes shaved their playboy bunnies, but this was more likely because of unsightly crabs and to visually declare themselves without bumps, sores and the like than any sort of personal grooming trend. This was also around the time of the introduction of the pubic wig, or merkin.

The merkin was used for a number of reasons over the last few hundred years. Prostitutes used them to cover up those pesky ickys I just mentioned.

It was thought shaving the low-lying areas was a cure for syphilis, so the well-to-do would purchase one of these weird weaves to — I suppose — make themselves feel a little more normal?

It’s illegal in some states for naked lady dancers to actually get fully nude, so what’s the solution to letting the skivvies fly? Get a pair of nude-coloured panties and sew a merkin onto those babies.

This somehow evokes the image of a Muppet ‘ripper in my mind. What? Don’t judge me.

In light of all this present-day pressure to style your stench trench, one may wonder what’s “in” right now? There are plenty of ways to mold your down do.

The classic Brazilian leaves nary, but a vertical rectangle or “landing strip” just above the naughty bit is quite common. Many opt to just do a bit of a snip or trim to tidy up.

But my fav by far is what I’ve discovered is known as the “Hitler,” which is a small horizontal rectangle of down-there hair resembling the maniac’s infamous ‘stach.

Well, Halloween is coming up. Why not get a little podium for your favorite furry Fuhrer?

Perhaps you’ve always found it a little tacky that your carpet doesn’t match your drapes.

Enter Betty’s line of pubic hair dye. You can have a black Betty or a brown Betty.

Yep — they aren’t just dessert or song titles anymore — they’re your junk! Why not try out pink Betty?

If dying has got you a little excited then you may also want to try a pubic hair stencil.

Picture it: the pants thrown, the socks discarded in any direction, and as you reveal your prize, you notice what looks like a piece of cotton candy.

Suddenly with that same consternation you felt all those years ago, you stare in awe of your lust mate’s pink pube patch in a shape vaguely like a unicorn.