Reality TV preview: Welcome to the summer of suck
As the year in television officially comes to a close this week, we take a look at 10 cream of the crap “reality TV” shows prepared to invade your screens in the coming months. It seems each year the networks try to outdo themselves with the garbage they approve to fill time until the fall season premieres. Do yourself a favour and get outside, there’s nothing to see here.
10. Big Brother 11 (CBS) – That’s right, somehow this mind-numbingly boring show is approaching Survivor-esque territory with its 11th season. Sure you could spend four months watching 10-15 of the biggest drama queens in the world attempt to co-exist underneath one roof or you could, you know, live your own life.
9. The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo) – Think Desperate Housewives only without the over-the-top storylines or beautiful goddess Eva Longoria. How many of these are they going to make? The only thing “real” about this show is annoying people making a ton of money for inviting a camera crew into their materialistic lives.
8. Jesse James is a Dead Man (Spike) – Finally a Criss Angel for rednecks. The attention-hording motorcycle builder will try his hand each week at a crazy stunt in the same light as legendary daredevil Evel Knievel. Jesse James may very well be a dead man; he is also an idiot.
7. 4th and Long (Spike) – Take 10 sub-par football talents all vying for a spot on the Dallas Cowboys, throw in smack-talking Hall-of-Fame receiver, Michael Irving, add a sprinkle of heat-exhaustion vomiting, and you have Spike’s latest attempt to turn the reality of sports into a heart-wrenching drama. Hey, at least it will be fun to watch the winner of this competition warm the bench in the NFL next season.
6. Dating in the Dark (ABC) – Is love truly blind? Obviously we should look to the world of reality TV for the answer. This series sequesters three men and three women each week and then sends them on dates inside a pitch-black room. The visuals for this one will surely be compelling.
5. Hitched or Ditched (CW) – Keeping with the reality dating theme, this thought-provoking program forces couples to decide in a matter of one week whether they should marry or dump that shlub of a partner they have held onto for so long. Will these fearless couples walk down the aisle or split forever? Who cares.
4. Jingles (CBS) – Mark Burnett’s latest creation pits singers against each other to create the next big commercial jingle. This definitely makes sense because everybody loves commercials and young kids all over the world grow up with dreams of singing songs for Telus and Cheerios.
3. Beverly Hills Groomer (Animal Planet) – Welcome to the world of competitive animal grooming. Sounds exciting right? To top it off, the host is super annoying as he attempts to depict his rags to riches story. Watch the ridiculous trailer below:
2. More to Love (Fox) – Leave it to Fox to grab both first and second place on this countdown. The message behind this show actually seems positive: an overweight man romances a group of plus-sized women in hopes of finding true love. The problem is Fox will choose to make a mockery of the whole thing; just take the tagline for example: “The husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle.”
1. Sex Decoy: Love Stings (Fox) – Susan Mate and her team of dedicated private investigators attempt to help troubled spouses by planting sexual decoys and temptations to expose their significant other’s infidelity. If I were being cheated on, I would definitely want all of North America to see this as well.
Here’s the show’s website featuring a home cheating test kit and tips on how to tell if your lover is cheating and also how to avoid getting caught.
Trust me, this is just a sampling of what’s in store for the summer season. Viewers beware!
Did we miss a ridiculous summer reality TV show? Leave it in the comments section below.